The Little Black Book
by maidenpride
Summary: This is a journal fic of Mac's POV. Eventually it will be romantic right now it is kinda philosophical and pyschological since she is analyzing her life, her choices, dreams desires,etc. Read Review and most importantly Enjoy!
1. Blank Pages to Be Filled With Life

Author's Note: First I apolgoize I know most of you are disappointed to see that this is a different fic rather than an update on one of my various other stories. I couldn't sleep and wrote this at one in the morning so hopefully it makes some kind of sense. There isn't a definite point in which this story takes place, anytime after makes confession to Sturgis I guess. I wasn't sure how to classify this story so I put romance because it might turn out to be depending on the reviews I'll continue this story, it can stand alone if need be.

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The Little Black Book

_I went out to Barnes and Noble today looking for some leisure reading books. As I was standing in line something caught my eye so I stepped out and walked towards it. It was a whole wall of journals, address books, and photo albums. I don't really know what drew me to the wall, so I stood there merely staring at the shelves. I probably looked like an idiot but then again people sit in between rows of books and read unpurchased literature so maybe I didn't look to odd. However, it wasn't like I was starring at rows of books, these were empty books with blank pages just waiting to be filled with your deepest secrets, desired photos, and longing numbers. A journal is like a piece of nonfiction if you think about it, you write down actual accounts of actual events that have taken place in your life. However, on that same note it could also very well be fiction too, after all it also holds are most treasured desires and utmost fantasies. Journals will never have an ending, they mimic life because it is life in it's rawest human form._

_I continued to stand there staring at the different covers, each one saying something different about the owner. There was one that looked natural with leaves on it for an earthy person, another with wild flowers. I gazed at the twenty or so covers until something caught my eye again, it was on the far left side of the shelf next to a Zen looking journal. It was plain and simple at first glance; looking deeper it appeared to be elegant and classic. It was a simple little black book with blank lined pages screaming to be filled. I decided that I needed to buy this little empty book. _

_I laughed at myself I came to a bookstore to buy some books, not empty pages but I suppose stranger things have happened. I came home later that evening to an empty apartment, as usual, placed by purchases on the table and began to put things away. I had gone to Linen's and Things to buy some new dish towels for the kitchen. I pulled out my books and took them to my room. Which one to read first….I sat an pondered for awhile trying to decide between three great novels, even though I'll read them all at once I need one to get me going. I placed them on the bed and changed into some more comfortable clothing. When I came back I still hadn't made up my mind, then my eyes feel upon the one book I couldn't read but had to be read to. I picked it up and flipped through the empty pages, grabbed it walked to the kitchen for a pint of Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough ice cream. I sat down at the couch and placed the book on the cough table, picked up the remote and turned the television on hoping to find something good on, perhaps a sappy romantic movie. I dug into my ice cream like no tomorrow. I could feel the book staring at me, I know it can't really do that but it felt like it needed me to begin filling the pages, with my life my story. I had no idea where to start, so I ignored it and went back to clicker magic. I finished my pint, was left disappointed by only catching the end of When Harry Met Sally, and the book still sat there. I walked to the kitchen and put the empty pint into the trash can and placed the spoon in the dishwasher. It was getting late and I figured I should probably hit the sack, I turned off the television, and picked up the book. _

_But as soon as I did it was like all the white noise in my life had been turned off for once I could think clearly. I still didn't know where to start, but knew that I could. I knew that I had things that I needed to say, things that resided in my heart and in my head that needed to get out. Nothing may come from this little book of mine, but there is a chance that endless possibilities will come of it. For once in my life I am taking a risk, an emotional risk. I have been putting my life in danger many times, that's what Marines do and do best, but physical risk is not the same as emotional. In my world an emotional risk could send me broken and back to the bottle, I'd like to think that I am stronger than that, but needless to say it is still a possibility. This may not seem like much of any kind of risk, but it is me opening up like this even to a book. It is forcing me to say what my heart is really wanting and why my head is saying that I can't have it. I started out simple, not knowing how to begin I figured well can't really start at the beginning because I'm not at the beginning of anything in life right now. I am however in the middle, in the middle of my career, age, and most of all in the middle of my feelings towards the love of my life. To speak or not to speak that is the question. _

_I'm so confused when it comes to him that have the time I am mad at him or hopeless in love with him, thus middle of the road and still lost as to whether or not I should divulge any of this information to the defense. Perhaps lost is not the best word choice, I know what I need to do and what I should do, I've know all along but have been unable to take that emotional risk. Hopefully with time I can over come this obstacle of mine, before it's too late. I have seen the way other women look at him, he would be a wonderful catch for any woman. I pray that he can just wait a little while longer, I promise I won't take an eternity. Ah, eternity that brings back harsh memories from Sydney. I don't think he meant it to hurt as much as it did, he may not have actually been rejecting me at all, but it still felt like a thousand knife points being stabbed into my heart. However, he did say he only acted like this with me, maybe that was meant to be a compliment who knows. All I know is that I love this man, but the only person in the world that knows about it isn't him. I barely even know myself, but now I have it here in writing against my will or not. Well I am proud of myself I have filled up 3 pages of this here little book already, it has taken on life and unburdened me of thoughts and feelings. Well at least it is cheaper than paying for a therapist that will be noted on your file and hinder advancement. So I guess this is all I can handle for on night, confessing to love a person can really wear you out, not the kind of confessing or wearing out I'd like but needless to say it is a fresh start and a new beginning…_


	2. Burying Our Heads in the Sand

Author's Note: Well I got 10 reviews so here as promised is Chapter 2 of this wonderful little fic of mine. I haven't the slightest idea of how many chapters there will be, but so long as a few people are reading this and enjoying it I will continue for you. For those that don't review well –evil eye- you should just think if you were to write something and have no one respond to something that you have written. This particular fic is very personal to me and literally my tears have gone into writing this fic so be kind but be fair.

Thanks to:

Laveda 27- for your support

Heartandy112- thanks for reading all my stuff, and yes you count for lots of reviews

Foxy Wombat- glad I've caught your intrest hope I keep it

Froggy0319- I love journals too, thus the inspiration for this fic

Reni-Maniac- no worries I'll keep this story going for a bit

Amanda- Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy this one too!

XBlueShadowX- glad you gave me the silly grin rather than the evil one! Now where is your stuff huh? –waits patiently tapping fingernails on desk-

Kris345- romance will come eventually but we need to solve some problems first, I'm a hopeless head-over-heels romantic don't worry.

DuskJane- here you go read on and review some more!

Debbie- I like it too, she has a lot of weakness that need to be addressed before she can pursue anything meaningful with Harm.

_None of us really understands why things happen the way they do. We try our damnest to figure it out, rationalize it so we can find some kind of piece of mind. Inevitability it doesn't work and causes more headaches and heartaches than it does anything else. I can understand why it is that we want to be able to understand our feelings and life, we live our lives so afraid of being hurt and abandoned. I've been emotionally scarred and with the relationships I have had have ended so badly that I have no desire to even pursue anyone else. Even though the potential relationship could prove to be the happiest decision I have ever made, the small chance that it wouldn't be is enough for me to run. Run…I've been doing that my entire life, running away from men and embracing my career instead. It doesn't really make sense given my personality and chosen profession to run the way I am, and hide my head in the sand like a fucking ostrich but when it comes to matters of the heart I'm too damaged, too broken, and far too fragile. I know that I will always have somebody that loves me, or do I. Do I actually know this or have I just been telling myself this in order to comfort my own inner psyche. I know that my friends care deeply for me and I them, but something is still missing from my life. _

_I know what the puzzle pieces are but unable or perhaps incapable of accepting it. I have found that men like to take our problems find a solution for them and move on to the next topic. However, we women know what the problem is, the possible solutions, and how to go about executing them almost all the time, we just want a sound board someone to listen to us as we think outloud and put all the pieces together into some kind of rational order. Life is complicated, or rather life is simple and it us who complicate it. Whether we want to or not we cannot help but stumble over ourselves when it comes to any and every aspect of our lives, the essence of who we are is unknown to others. We are so wrapped up in hiding behind our shells in order to protect us from getting hurt that no one every gets behind our walls to see what we are and what we want. Self-preservation, it is a matter of protecting ourselves as we have for millions of years, this idea has metamorphosized from fighting wholly mammoths to our psyches. We are far more fragile than we let on to anyone, even to ourselves most of the time. Perhaps if for once we stepped back and realized that we are all protecting ourselves from the same thing that there isn't anything to be afraid of. Why is it that we can't see this before it's too late, before we lose everything we hold dear to us. We don't jump, we don't take the risks in life that are worth taking the ones that keep us going, light the fire in our hearts and put the sparkle into our eyes. We all need it to survive, it is a necessary element and all of us have the capacity for it…Love. The one thing that could set us free on so many levels is the one thing that keeps us grounded and hidden behind a window glancing out at the life you could have, the life you deserve. I deserve it, I know I do but I do nothing about it I won't take the jump or the risks. I have been taking risks all my life, not the right one's mind you but nonetheless I have and now I am unable to take the right jumps. I have too many scars too many hurt memories._

"_The trouble with love is it can tear you up inside make your heart believe a lie and stronger than your pride. The trouble with love is it doesn't care how fast you fall, you can believe the fall so you can't say it all….I swore I never would love again…" That is the truth, it does tear us up inside. He tears me up, we aren't even together and it still hurts. If that is the case and I hurt now why not try to have something it can't hurt any worse. Wait it could, if he were to reject me I don't think I could handle that. Open myself, put my heart on my sleeve out and then to be rejected by the one true man that I honestly love, the one that I have only truly loved. Yes I have been with others before but none of them have stuck by during the trying times, the difficult ones that reach into our souls and push us to our utmost brink. No man but he has stood by and helped me through it in one way or another, he knows what frightens me and what makes me happy. Who can be so lucky as to find a man in there lives such as he that warms your hearts content just by entering the room, making eye contact and sending a grin my way as though no one else were in the room. If I am so lucky then why don't I say anything to him, why not confess my love and take the chance of a life time a chance at being happy?_


	3. As I lie here

**_Authors Note: Lucky readers you guys got an early chapter. I know some of you were wanting my stuff to be a bit longer but for me this particular fic is very emotional and I can only handle writing so much at one time, otherwise it gets to be too heavy. Anyways I hope you guys like this recent installment, I like all of them but then again I suppose I am slightly biased in that regard. A quick thanks to all my reviewers and then it will be on with the show! :)_**

froggy0319: as always thanks for reading all my stuff and promptly reviewing

XBlueShadowX: another evil grin well then I guess I will give you the evil eye in return -chasing you with hammer- WRITE!

achaon: well i am glad you liked my first chapter, not entirely sure how to take the rest of your review but i hope you like ch3

GuitarVixen: what are you doing reading my stuff you are supposed to be at that puter so I don't chase you with M.T. devices

kris345: thanks for the ego boost, all writers like to hear such praise and if they say otherwise they are just flat out lying

heartandy & Laveda27: glad you still like it and still wanna read it!

Katrina-Maru: yea! i won yippeee! sorry but no song snip its in this one, i got the last one while watching Love Actually. music is a huge part of my life so expect to see more snip its in the future! but can i have some cookies anyways and i'll share my grandma's homemade fudge!

_As I lie here thinking, pondering my life. I have no idea where it is headed or where I want it to go for that matter. I am so utterly confused, I thought by writin,g things would become clearer but things seem to be even more clouded than they were before. Opening up old wounds that had since healed, or at least the bandages had begun to collect dust allowing me to think they were healed. The mind is a funny thing, it is almost like we all have another personality someone in the back of our minds that protects us, it allows us to block out painful memories. My life is in tailspin right now, now I am laughing at myself picking up his horrible pilot jargon, and I haven't the slightest idea how I even got to this point. Okay well that is a lie I know how I got here I bought this damn little black book and decided to fill its empty pages with the words of my life which are proving to be jumbled up confused thoughts from my subconscious that I wanted to remain buried there for all eternity. Damn there is that word again….eternity. I thought that by writing in here it would empty my mind of these memories and fill them away, sometimes I wish I could have had amnesia after we ejected in Russia but that wouldn't cover all the recent memories, then again if I had had amnesia then I wouldn't have these memories and feelings that I am struggling with right now._

_Crying is a weakness in my book it always has been. Marines don't cry we are tough and we won't let our emotions run our lives like that, but I am also a woman which most people can't see, all they see is the ever stoic Marine. Part of me is grateful for the façade to hide behind, but at the same time it is burdensome since no one can seem to separate Mac the Marine from Sarah the woman. Perhaps I should rephrase that crying is a weakness, it is only a weakness if I am crying about myself. I have no problem shedding tears for friends like when Bud got injured in-country or when Harriet lost her baby….or when he left me to go flying…but even that last one is borderline crying over myself. I didn't want him to leave and it was hurting me and it made me cry, weak moment 213. I can't show anyone my tears if I cry, which I rarely allow myself too, if I do it is in the quiet, dark, and solitary confines of my apartment._

_I should really stop listening to love songs and watching all these romantic movies all they do is make me sad, angry, and jealous. I am a desirable woman, even he said that once, and yet here I am middle-aged, completely and utterly alone. All the men that have ever meant something in my life have all died, left me, or I've driven them away in some capacity. I am beginning to think I am destined to live alone, a spinster. If it wasn't for the things I have done in my past and my desire to have children I would seriously consider joining the nunnery. Children…that brings lots of emotions to the forefront of my mind. I have hit the snooze button on my biological alarm clock one too many times, if I want a child so bad perhaps I should just go to a sperm bank and have one. Goodness knows that would be far easier than trying to find the right man to have a relationship with and then have a child together. Only I don't need to go and find anyone I already know, I have always known who I want to father my children. The finding is a replacement, the second string quarterback, since I most likely will never have the opportunity to have one with the love of my life. _

_Ahhh, Christmas is coming soon perhaps that is what I should get myself, yeah that would be real smart let's go get pregnant, be single mother in the military it would never work. If only things could just go my way for once, just once so I could have a chance at living a happy life. It appears instead that this is what I am destined for so perhaps it is time to stop complaining and make the best of it, go with the flow. If you can't have him in your life as a lover then at least be happy that he is in your life period. And now I will go cry myself to sleep, wake up in the morning sad and angry at myself for having such a weak moment and then feel guilty about it until I can finally bury it back deep into my subconscious never to be let out._


	4. Belated Christmas GiftPerhaps?

**Author's Note: Sorry it is has been such a long time since my last update, on well any of my stories but between X-mas, finals, and medical stuff I've been busy. However, the good news for you is that I have it on doctor's orders not to do anything for the rest of the week which means no work and plenty of time to write so my goal is to get at least one update done a day. This chapter wasn't my favorite one to write, but I needed to lay the framework down for the next chapters, but I hope you all read it, review it, and most importantly ENJOY!**

**Thanks to all those who reviewed the last installment:**

**Starryeyes10, Dusk Jane (sorry it made you sad this one might too, but glad you loved it), XBlueShadowX (Look see I wrote I wrote and so did you we are doing well aren't we :)), froggy0319 (sorry I made you cry, however I did warn you it was going to be angsty and for many of us I'm sure it hits a little too close to home I know it does for me since most of the stuff I have written about is my own personal feelings and what not), GuitarVixen (haven't seen any new postings in awhile –taps foot and waves finger), chris063 (glad you like it and the Marine thing is definitely true), and dansingwolf (sorry if the middle-age thing bugged you but I have found that most women even though they are in their mi-thirties are beginning to feel old and regretting certain things in their lives and some how Mac calling herself middle-age didn't seem to far-fetched).**

**Now on with the story…**

_I scheduled an appointment with my gynecologist earlier in the week, I wasn't really due for a check up for another 2 months or so but I needed to find out if I am even capable of carrying a child. I see no reason to go through all these emotions and hash out plans on getting with him if I cannot even carry a child….that would be utterly unfair to him. He deserves to be with a woman who can bear his children into the world, he is going to make such a wonderful father some day; unfortunately for me I will never be that woman for so many reasons the first would be that we are not even together nor does he see me as anything but a sister and the biggest reason of all is…perhaps the fact that the test results weren't good news. I have almost hit the snooze button for the last time and almost ruined my chances of ever conceiving, apparently my eggs are so aged I will be lucky to find a viable one in the bunch. My doctor said that if I ever want a child now is the time, no waiting I need to have the procedure done as soon as possible. She explained the pros and cons of in vitro fertilization, then she asked if I had someone in my life that would be willing to donate sperm or if I just wanted to use the anonymous donor bank. I told her I would think about it and get back to her, that was yesterday and the news has yet to sink in. The doctor scheduled another appointment for next Wednesday to begin the hormone shots that start the whole process, then a week after that I go in to have eggs removed, then 4 days after that the newly fertilized 8 celled embryos are implanted back in me. I guess on the bright-side of this is that my belated Christmas present might come true, however the doctor said that I have about 10 chance of having a egg viable enough to become fertilized. Now all I have to do is decide who the father is going to be. I know who I want, I know who I would like to ask but there is no way I could ask him to do something like this. I should just go to the bank after work and flip through the books looking for the right sperm for my egg, for my baby. The doctor said that I am going to be restricted from the time I start the shots till after the first 3 months to make sure I don't risk losing the baby, no lifting anything heavier than 5 pounds. I'm going to have to tell the Admiral, there is no choice around that he has to know so that I don't get sent TAD anywhere or asked to do anything that might jeopardize my chances of conceiving._

_Do I tell him about it, what about Harriet, Bud, and everyone else should I tell them that I am unviable. Part of me thinks I should wait until after the 3 months are up just to be on the safe side, but then again having a few friends in my corner in case something goes wrong and the procedure fails would be nice too. I don't think I can go through this alone, Harriet would be the best source of information not only because of her child bearing experience but she could help prepare me for the worst, for having a miscarriage. How could I go through this without my best-friend in the world, my partner, my savior but I honestly don't know how, when, or if I even should tell him about it. I know on some level he cares about me and for me, but this might put the last bit of strain on our already delicate relationship that causes us to lose each other and I know that I can't handle that. I need him here, here in my life more than anything and if I tell him I would risk losing that forever. I'd rather have him with me in some capacity and not know than know and leave me. I'll just have to ask Harriet and the Admiral not to tell a soul about my newly discovered condition. I will just have to suck it up as we Marines do and go into this thing head-on. I will inform the Admiral of my intentions of having this procedure done and assure him that I will keep him posted as to what is going on and if I will need any extended leave. _

_God, I want to cry I am alone, I may never be able to have children, and I won't even be able to do it with the man I love……………perhaps I could tell him, we rarely keep secrets and he will probably know something is up and might even worry about me with the sick days I will have to take before and after the procedures. Ugh, I just don't know anymore my mind is jumbled into a million little pieces (like that scene in Willy Wonka with the candy bar) that is how I feel and I am merely hovering over life but not interacting with it. Calm down, Marine…I think I just need to go take a hot, steamy bath and relax these tense muscles of mine….I can think of a better way to have them relax with one of those massages of his….oh stop thinking like that. I need to get it into my head that I can't have him and he deserves someone that isn't broken the way I am. Broken, unviable, and practically infertile…I love him so much that I am willing to give up the idea of being with him just so that he can be with someone that is all the things I am not and can provide all things I am incapable of giving._


	5. Life Without A Poncho

**Author's Note: Really quick I would like to thank my two reviewers (how sad is that I think that is sad, and because it is raining like a dickens here right now and my doc says I can go singing and dancing in it I would like some more from this chapter). Anyways thanks to froggy0319 how always reviews my stuff I know if you could you would send a million and one reviews to keep this fic going. Also I would like to thank Tina Frank, I brought up some things in this one that you briefly mentioned in your review thanks and I hope you enjoy this chapter just as much as the last one. Finally, as promised here is another chapter for your reading and REVIEWING pleasure… Enjoy…**

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_I stood in the rain today. I took my cover off and just stood there looking up into the sky as the raindrops slammed into my face. It wasn't a soft, gentle rain that one welcomes in the summer it was an utter downpour outside. The streets were flooded and most everyone was walking around wearing ponchos to keep dry, but I stood out there on the side of the street on the way to my corvette without a poncho and then without a cover. That's how I feel these days I am living without a poncho to keep me safe and dry from the rain of life. I stood there thinking, thinking about the news from the day before, mostly thinking about my poncho or lack there of. _

_I decided that there was no reason to tell him, at least not right now I don't know if the doctor will be able to retrieve any viable eggs much less get one fertilized. I still am unsure as to whether or not I should ask him for a donation, I know we made that deal 3 years ago, but I haven't the slightest idea if that is something he even wants. I know he would like to have children some day, it always makes me laugh to think of little JR's running up and down the stairs with Tomcats in there hand pretending to fly. I would give anything to carry his child to give him his JR, but what my heart wants and what my head is telling me to do are two completely different things that rarely ever run on the same wavelength. My heart was telling me to jump in my car and fly to his apartment, he would still be there running late as usual, and tell him what the situation is and ask if he would be willing to give me half his DNA. It would have worked and the Admiral would have forgiven us for being late once I explained to him my infertility problem. It was a wonderful idea and had I gone through with it instead of merely standing in the rain I might be feeling better right now. I would have someone to talk to rather than an empty book whose lines all though provide relief cannot provide a much needed and desired hug._

_We women desire commitment above all else in life, because with commitment comes love, happiness, security, and joy all the things that we cherish most. With my background and history with men it is no wonder that I am terrified of saying anything to him, I would risk losing everything losing the one and only good no scratch that wonderful relationship with a man. No relationship with a man has ever lasted for me, sure the Admiral, Bud, and Sturgis are all my friends but that is quite different. Even my guy friends have died, like….Eddie. Men should just take one look at me and run away, sure I am attractive I guess but I think that gives them a false sense of security. And security brings us back to commitment._

_Some how I made it to the office in one piece, I looked like a drowned rat because having no poncho meant no security from the rain. I spoke to Tiner and made an appointment to see the Admiral later that day. I was on my way back to my office when I ran into him and almost made him spill his coffee on his freshly pressed dress blues. I quickly apologized and scurried off to my office avoiding making eye contact with him, I knew if I did that my current fragile state would cause me to give into my heart's thoughts rather than my head's. I am not sure how I managed it, but I made it through the day in one piece, more or less, and all I had left to do was inform the Admiral. I have decided that I am a stronger person than I ever imagined because I made it through the whole conversation without crying or even having tears well up. As much as I wanted to cry, I knew I couldn't there was no reason for me to cry about something so far beyond my control and take pity upon myself. I am a Marine and I can take on any challenge placed in front of me. The problem at the moment is that I am being attacked on all fronts and I have only so much ammunition with which to protect myself I am slowly crumbling apart behind this mean green Marine façade I have created. I am wet, cold, alone, and still without any poncho. I still haven't told my best friend about a life altering decision I am being faced with nor have I asked him for his comfort or to borrow one of his ponchos to keep me dry._


	6. Empty Beer Bottles, Empty Promises

**Author's Note: First off I apologize for not updating as much last week as I promised I got carried away with New Year's and what not, but I hope you all had a wonderful holiday stretch! I also wanted to note to all readers that this fic has taken on a life of its own so I am not entirely sure where it is going, but if you have anything you'd like to see written in her journal let me know and I'll toss it around. Furthermore, I would mention that I am not middle-aged as a few reviewers suggested to, I recently turned 20 (well 3 months ago but you get the point) so if anyone over 30 has any comments of things they'd like to add let me know about your insight. Lastly, I would like to thank my reviewers you guys rock!**

**Tina Frank**: Harm does need to be her poncho, but how many women can see clearly what is right in front of them? I hope good emotions are brought up, or at least thought provoking ones.

**MarineJAG**: Here is the next installment and I hope that I manage to keep you interested

**LuvnYou:** I will let you in on a little secret this "journal" fic is more like my own personal journal and my experiences just happen to be similar and she and myself like all women have a lot of the concerns/feelings that I choose to write about.

**Anmaderoni**: Just cuz I started one first doesn't mean anything and you should go ahead and write your take on it. Your's will be different from mine so I see no reason not to write!

**BlueShadow**: I will forgive you this time for missing my story, consider it a Christmas gift. Anyways, you are right I love the word utterly but I didn't use it in this one you got a reprieve from it. My fav. Word is Plethora I think that is the greatest. As always glad you reviewed and enjoyed it hope I keep up the good work.

**Froggy0319**: Honestly my goal is not to make you or anyone else cry, however I must admit that 90 of the time I do cry as I am writing these (read LuvnYou's line for explanation), what I want is to make people stop and think because I am sure that a lot of us feel the same way. You're welcome for the compliment, how could I not because you always read my stuff and review it you are very loyal THANK YOU!

**GuitarVixen**: See you finally wrote some new stuff I better go check it out! And I agree she should tell Harm. You like how I have managed to go through 6 Chapters without mentioning his name? That is skill right there, anyways thanks for the review!

**MarianneValentine**: Thanks for the review, I just started accepting the "anonymous" one's. Glad you are reading and enjoying my stuff please continue and if you stop enjoying it let me know.

**Now one with the journal. As always read, review, and ENJOY!**

_Today is the anniversary of Eddie's death. That horrible day that he and I got into a car accident, the day I decided to turn my life around. It is strange to me how such an awful event as losing your best friend can turn into such a positive note in your life. I owe my life and where I am because of Eddie's death. Even though so many years have gone by there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about him on some level, whether directly or indirectly in my memories. To this day I still weep on the anniversary of that fateful night, I lay in bed with the lights out and weep. I used to cry out of sadness and anger, but gradually the tears turned into an expression of never-ending gratitude and although I miss him dearly I am still very happy for where that experience has led me in my life. I have made my share of mistakes and certainly have not lived the happiest of lives but somewhere along the way I realized and learned how to turn my misfortunes into a life that is so rewarding. It may not seem like it all the time and certainly not at the moment, but sometime soon it will be and that is what I will have waited for, worked so tirelessly for, and deserve._

_I have to return to the infertility doctor tomorrow to begin the line of hormone shots. I have researched online all the information I could about in vitro, but I know it won't prepare me for the journey I am about to embark on…alone. I know that it is my decision to go through this alone and at any point I can change that…perhaps I should before I get all "hormonal". I can't even get through a day without thinking about him I see him everywhere even when he isn't around. I see his name in the hormones I've written, when I imagine the face of my child I see his blue eyes and silly grin there upon its face._

_I am still debating on when to tell Harriet about what is going on, I realize that eventually everyone will know how could they miss a swollen belly? I figure with these shots of mine I am going to be a mess, a chemically imbalanced mess and it might be better off to have a friend, a female friend, in my corner. Someone to cover for me when I go insane, you know the kind of insanity women can plead to in a court of law when they commit a crime. Or even the morning sickness that will overcome me in the most unopportune moments. I guess I already knew the answer but needed some place to say them aloud, I'll call Harriet in the morning after my appointment and ask her to lunch._

_I am going to have to find a man soon, a donor that is willing to give half of himself to me, to this child. My heart knows the answer, it always has and always will…but how to trick my mind into believing the impossible is another situation entirely._

_If Eddie were here right now, he'd probably goad me into doing it, he'd say 'c'mon Mackenzie you some kind of wimp or something. You can't stand up to the man of your dreams then maybe he you don't deserve him.' However, if Eddie were here I'd be drunk, he'd be drunk and there would be no man of my dreams just empty beer bottles that mirror my life of empty promises. When I look back on Sydney I realize now that he never said never, but rather not yet. Why didn't I listen to the words he was saying, I interpreted them wrong and almost ruined my life forever. He has yet to break a promise to me, never left any empty promises in his wake nor would he and I ever be drunk together surrounded by empty beer bottles. I know he cares for me and about me, but to what extent is that "love" being given. If he could just give me some sort of sign, I wish men were like mood rings! At least then you could really tell what is going on inside those heads of theirs!_

_So rather than doing anything about it, I shall quietly close this partially filled book, light some candles and curl into bed and weep over the loss of life and the possibilities for life in the future. If only he could see me now…_


	7. Lionesses of the Hunt For Survial

**Author's Note: Wow, I am surprised at the affect that my little fic is having on some of my readers, but do get me wrong I am glad and happy about it. I am writing this fic straight from my heart and bearing myself out in the open here. This fic in a way is my journal, my little black book. It is supposed to rain for the next days here in southern California so if my next chapter sounds dark and depressing that is why, weather impacts your moods greatly and moods affect your writing. Anyways as always I want to thank those of you, my loyal followers (I need to come up with a nickname for you like shakespeare's acting company was known as "All the King's Men" any suggestions let me know).**

Valentine: Well Mac leaves the house in this one but I don't give a definitive answer as to where so go with it where you will. But thanks for the suggestion and I will keep that linker in mind.

Tina Frank: Did u get my threatening review? –evil grin- how is that for blackmail? Glad you still like it though.

Starryeyes: One of these days I am going to write something that knocks your socks off and you write a tirelessly long review, but for now thanks.

MarineJAG: For the record it was good babble and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for giving me a little insight into a 30 year old's mind. I think you will really enjoy this chapter.

Snugglebug: You are a new review and thanks so much! : hope you still like it and continue to review.

GuitarVixen: Thank you soooo much for writing another BOB story, it was great I still think you should do the JAG vagina monologues that would make for a great hilarious story! Figured the mood ring would make you laugh, and not writing Harm's name is hard sometimes I have to double edit to make sure I didn't let it slip.

Froggy0319: Well ain't that funny I would have guessed from your screen name that you turned 19 in the year 03, shows you what I know. I am glad I am inspiring somebody, what kind did you get a black one, naturey, etc.? Yes, the hardest thing is to start, what makes it easier is to put your own personal touch into before you even start writing. I.E. take your favorite magazine and clip out pictures of different things that strike you as intresting or whatever then paste them randomly in different spots on the pages in the journal. This way if you find yourself with nothing to write you have a "prompt" the picture, this will begin rambling and rambling leads to thoughts, feelings, and by the time you are done for the day you will have got out what you wanted too but didn't know how.

XBlue: I agree with your assessment on mood rings entirely, mine always show black which is depressed and it is because my hands are so cold, but you still get the analogy. What song are you trying to use? And whose's POV? Let me know if I can be of any help or whatever.

**Now enough of the housekeeping on with the show…ENJOY!**

_This is the first time I have let this journal out of the confines of my apartment and written "publicly" in it. As I sit here at this bench I wonder what will become of my life in 10 years or even 20. What will I have to show for it? I definitely have lots of interesting stories and experiences to share, but with whom will I share them. I would love to use them as ideas for bedtime stories for my children and later grandchildren. I would love to have the opportunity to sit down on the couch with a cup of hot chocolate, wrapped in a warm blanket in front of the fire with the other main character in my "adventures". I am beginning to think that it is time for me to settle down, especially if this in vitro works. I don't want to be a single mother, I know I could do it if I had too. But deep down inside I guess I am hoping that as soon as he finds out that I am pregnant he will sweep me up into his arms and say "I am going to take care of you 'our' child for now and for always". Most women would call that "trapping" your man. Get pregnant and make him marry you. I don't want to guilt him into this, I don't want to guilt him into loving a "partial" women. Yes I have all my parts intact, definetly still have the hormones but having a child is the epitome of womanhood. I realize that I nor should anyone else put such importance and significance into the act of giving birth to your genetic offspring but it is so much more than that. The bond that is forged between the mother and baby as well as the father is so special. I want to give my child everything that I never had, a loving home with two parents that aren't abusive and love each other with so much of their hearts that it is hard to see how they made room for anything else._

_I spoke to Harriet today, I told her about the hormone shots, the in vitro…everything. She says that she and Bud will be there to support me in anyway I need 110, I appreciate the offer as well as the sentiment and I know that I will lean on them to a certain extent over the course of the next several months and for as long as I know them; however, they can't provide me with the one thing that I need, companionship…maybe that isn't the best word. Although I want a companion to share my life with I want someone who will stick by my side through thick and thin no matter what happens. I want someone that makes me feel ever more elated than a 1lb. of Godiva chocolate. Someone that when he looks in my eyes it is as though he sees right into my soul and the whole world disappears but the two of us. I realize that I am in love with the idea, the fantasy of love rather than the reality but at the moment I see no reason why not too. I don't have any plans on entering the dating world and have "real" love so I'd rather enjoy my fantasies. My fantasy wedding at the Annapolis church, the magnificent honeymoon in Italy, two kids and dog and a white picket fence. I want all of it, but then again what woman doesn't want those things. A woman may outwardly declare that she never wants to wed or have children, but deep down inside it is instinctual and in some capacity she desires it. Everyone has their reasons for making this declarations, I know I did. I was afraid that I would become like my father and hurt my children just as he had hurt me. I was also afraid that my marriage would turn into another failed relationship and that we would end up just as my parents had…wait I am still afraid of that one. I once said that all I want out of life is 'a good career, a good man, and comfortable shoes lots and lots of them'. Well I suppose 2 out of the 3 ain't bad well technically speaking it is 3 out of , I am just unwilling to admit that to anyone or anything with the exception of these lined pages which cannot tell anyone, yet the speak volumes._

_I guess in a manner of speaking I have already come to the conclusion as to what I need to do, I just need to build up the necessary courage in order to do so. Like they say saying it is one thing, but doing it well that is another…a much more difficult other. Why is it that we women make things so difficult for ourselves? I remember when I was young before I was old enough to realize that my home life was falling apart around me, I had my life all planned out. I was going to get married at 22 after I graduated, I was going to have my first child, a boy, at 24, then another at 28, a girl. I was going to be a paleontologist and dig up dinosaurs in Montana, Wyoming and all across the world. It was to be the perfect life, then I had a reality check that came in the form of a beer bottle smashing to pieces next to my head after my father threw it at the wall aiming at my mother. Honestly, we women should stick together and stop being so vindictive towards one another we are all facing the same problems in one form or another and perhaps if we band together we might actually accomplish something. Oh well we shall remain like lionesses out of the hunt in order to survive. Life is a tough game, a tough gamble where there is no one right answer to anything, but several wrong ones that we all inevitably end up stepping on as if they were land mines and booby traps. The sad part is that most of the time we set those traps ourselves and forgot where we put them and left the map at home. Someday we will learn, someday I will learn and then someday I will be able to love the way I want too and be able to receive in the same capacity._


	8. Anybody Find Me Somebody to Love

**Author's Note: I'm not sure on how I feel about this chapter. I can't decide if it is excellent or if it sucks entirely. The jury is still out, until you review and tell me what you thought. Hopefully, it doesn't stink because then I would have let ya'll down. It might seem like I am repeating myself over and over again in this fic, and that is because to a certain extent I am. If you think about your own journals when you have a problem you keep coming back to it trying to come up with new solutions on fixing it or merely to vent. However, I do try to add new information or new emotions in to make it seem less reiteration-like. Anyways, quick thanks to my reviewers…nobody has come up with a nickname yet, any suggestions please share.**

BlueShadow: What songs are u using? How many chapters have you done or is it mostly in the brainstorming stage still?

Froggy0319: I almost bought one at Barnes and Noble yesterday. I know which one I want, and I thought about it and I have decided to go back and get it. This fic will shortly be changing from less of my own feelings and emotions into more of Mac's and then I have no more outlet. Have you written in it yet?

MarineJAG: I thought that you might. I fear I didn't do as well with this chapter, but I guess I'll have to wait and see, huh? It is getting progressively harder to write this fic being 20 and not 30 sometimes I think I don't have the right perspective to be writing this fic. Hell I have no relationship experience whatsoever and here I am trying to fix theirs as accurately as possible. –sighs- writer's self doubts ah well.

Snugglebug: Glad you think I'm doing a good job! I think a lot of women can relate to this fic, and her emotions this is a woman fic for sure.

Starryeyes10: Well I guess I still haven't written that knock your socks off chapter yet guess its back to the drawing board.

TinaFrank: Double blackmail, that's great. And we will see about your request it may happen and if it does it might not be too soon a woman must find herself before she can attempt to deal with anyone else in their lives.

Mag59: A new reviewer YEA! No I haven't heard that song, but I will sure to look it up. I will need to have it translated too because I don't understand any French. Yes, they are my thoughts I have nothing else with which to go by so might as well have those than none at all. It's rough to be a 20 year old virgin, with barely any dating experience whatsoever and no impending offers. I'm not unattractive and I am definitely smart and have a great personality. C'mon I am 5'6", thin, blond hair green eyes, nice abs, great long legs, and a great ass but alas I have only fantasy rather than reality with which to base any of this on. Great news about your clock, you are lucky. And why does it have to be the epitome of womanhood am I just not old enough to understand that or what?

"_Anybody find me somebody to love…I spend all my years believing in you…I work hard everyday of my life, I work till I ache in my bones…Till tears run down my eyes, please anybody find me somebody to love…Never wanna fly,Never wanna leave, Never wanna say what you mean to me…You're the best thing about me…You are so close where you and I begin…"When I look back on my life I can hardly think of a memory, a meaningful memory, I am unable to find one that he is not in. Sure I have a few nice ones from my childhood and growing up, but not many. Everything important in my life has happened in the last few years, just short of a decade. I love him…there I have said it…I LOVE HIM!!! Yes, I realize I have yet to write his name down and just now I have refrained from using it but it doesn't make the words any less important or special. I find freedom and solace in his eyes he is my somebody to love and I believe in him so much it is ascertainable for someone on the outside looking in to understand. As much as we know about each other it is ironic on how well we "don't" know each other. If we did then we might be together right now and I would be having any qualms about who is going to father my baby. Instead, I have yet to draw up enough strength to even muster a conversation with him. He is probably thinking I am pushing him away again, which is far from my attention but I am afraid if we sat down to talk the first words out of my mouth would be asking for a donation for the "Impregnate Sarah Mackenzie" fund. I don't want it to be like this. Why is it that the things we plan for most in life are the ones that fall apart and cause the most amount of problems? I live on planning, on structure; I'm a marine for god's sake!_

_These hormones are making me well…hormonal. Harriet is being good to me right now and providing me with much amount of comfort. She has also volunteered to give me the dreaded "butt" shots since those can't be self-administered like the thigh ones or the suppositories. The price we pay for children and I haven't even gotten pregnant yet. I cut it close today; I went over there this evening to get my nightly shot on my way home from work. What I didn't realize was the he was coming over to work on a case with Bud that evening, my god that would have been frighteningly awkward. I need to tell him but how. How do you tell the man you love that you might never be able to bear children, his children? More importantly how do you tell him to move on, to find someone less…broken…defective…less of a woman? Why is it that in order to feel like a woman we have to have all our parts in working order and bear children? My corvette would still be a corvette even if it didn't have the symbol on it. It is like that line from Romeo and Juliet "What's in a name? That which we call a rose / By any other name would smell as sweet." I am still Sarah Mackenzie, a kick-ass marine and an attractive woman. Yet I am terrified to tell the man I love this? I am such a hypocrite I can't even accept or heed my own advice. Perhaps Harriet was right…perhaps I should make that trip and talk to him, he listens well and won't talk back…just listen. That is what I need right now is someone to just listen to me, to put their arm around me pull me in close and tight and tell me everything is going to be alright. He can't do that, but he can listen so I guess for now that will have to do. _

_DAMMIT! Fucking piece of shit ughhhhhhhhh! I hate this, I hate feeling like this! This damn book is making me pity myself! I don't do that rule number 1 in my book is no self-pity. Why can't I feel good about writing in this book, I haven't anyone to talk to about this and it is causing me to sit here and pity myself for being less of a woman than I was 5 years ago…………the bet…Damn how the hell did I wind up here. How did my life take this turn and why can't I get it back on track back to where I want it to go. That's it no more writing in this stupid thing until I talk to him, or rather reverberate to him. No more what if's time to take some chances time is running out, and I am fresh out of new starts…and men thinking that they are the superior sex…I want stories to tell my grandchildren and I am not going to get that by sitting here, hell I won't even have a chance to have a child let alone grandchild if I don't do something. I'm supposed to be 'First to storm the beaches, last to leave' and here I am retreating before the fight has even begun what kind of Marine am I. If I can't handle the trials and tribulations of my own life how can I handle it in my career, relationships, or somebody child. Time to soak in a bath, these shots are brusing my butt and thighs and my head is beginning to hurt from fighting back the tears for so long. Why can't I have reality, just this once? Why must I only have access to the fantasy?_


	9. Heed the Signs

**Author's Note: Okay well I know I have let down my readers with that last chapter, but I think I have made it up with this one. Not only is it long, it is well-written and thought out. I think you will like this one. I am going to keep this short, but a quick thanks to my 4 reviewers –many thanks-**

Froggy0319: Taking the plastic off doesn't count! C'mon girl you can do it. What do you have to lose by writing in it, nothing absolutely nothing. If it is incriminating then burn it, but get it off your chest don't let it sit there I promise you will start to feel better about everything. Life is too short and too busy to be worried about being embarrassed by anything, especially by writing in a journal there are far worse things to be embarrassed about like forgetting to pack any underwear on a trip to the mountains with no stores nearby or something.

Reni-Maniac: Quick question what was the inspiration for your screen name? Just wondering. Anyways I am glad you are still reading it and that no one has sent my pitchfork reviews!

Starryeyes10: Well I must have done something right with that last chapter because I got 2 extra words –hip hip hooray-. I think this might be one of those chapters where you will write more than 4 words but I shall wait and see. Lol

Mag59: Can't wait to hear, or rather read the song. What is the title in English? Totally right about the marine emotion thing, however, I have a lot of friends that are much like myself that are much like Mac in that regard. Haven't decided where in the show I want this story to be, and I am not sure if I want to count the 4 Solution stuff or not, we'll see.

_When signs pop up in life it is better to heed them rather than ignoring them and plowing into them later down the road. This is one of those times when signs have been popping up for several years and I have finally caught up to them and I am running into them. I can't even go a day without writing in this damn book. I am addict to it, well that isn't the best choice of words, it is more of a desire to write a need to empty all these thoughts useless or otherwise from my head onto these blank lined pages that lie within this little black book. I need this soundboard to bounce of ideas, trivial to serious matters ideas that can't be used against me. I think that is one of our biggest problems here is that we are always looking for ammunition to stock pile to potentially use against others. We have no trust or compassion for our fellow man or woman, how did we end up like this? I can't remember a time when people gave a damn about others, about strangers. Horrible, dreadful things are going on all across the world right now and all I can seem to think about is my infertility problems and trying to get with the man I love. I don't see myself as being a self-absorb person, but I can't help thinking that in the grand scheme of things it is not entirely important. Yes it is important to me, because it is my deepest desire and it makes my heartache just to think about the possible failure of either. _

_Sometimes I can't help but think that there is a reason why I am having these infertility problems, as if to have nature trying to give me a sign that I am not meant to have children and therefore you are going to be incapable of doing so. However, I then think about my own mother or any mother who as abused or mistreated her child and nature thought it was okay for them to be fertile but not me…why? I can't wait for the cosmos to align themselves in order for everything to fall into place, just as I can't read my horoscope and say well today is going to be a bad day because the stars say so. We put too much importance into greater grander things, unearthly things, in order to prevent taking responsibility for ourselves or just out of fear…fear of not understanding something and why things happen the way they do. If life was mapped out for us at birth then things would make far more sense but they aren't. God did not sit down and decide that Hitler was going to come to power someday and kill 6 million Jews and nor did he declare that I was going to become a drunk and nearly throw my life away. We make our own choices, as do all animals in the kingdom, the only difference is that we are able to accept them and learn from the mistakes that come from those choices._

_I had previously declared that I was not going to write in this book until after I had spoken to him about everything the impending pregnancy, the donor, the…us, but I haven't lived up to that and it is no one's fault but my own. I'm sitting here looking at his father's name carved into a wall, that represents so much, trying to draw out something…anything. I don't know what I expected to come from this little trip. It has become easier to leave the confines of my apartment with this journal of mine, perhaps that is what has come from this trip, the little things. The little things in life are of the greatest importance…the way he grins at me from the next office over, holds open the elevator door, or teases me about my coffee. 20 years from now those are things I am going to remember, the things I want to remember. For some reason we tend to remember and hold onto bad memories better than the good ones, perhaps because the bad ones hurt us so much that we can't forget or we don't want to let ourselves forget. I remember all the times my father threatened to hurt me, but I barely remember him sober making dinner after mom left. I remember the bad fights he and I have had, Sydney, the porch, JAG-a-Thon, there aren't too many bad ones but plenty of good ones and with him I seem to be able to remember the good ones better than the bad ones. I think that is how I know that he is the man for me, the only one, with anyone else I might not be able to do this, there is a reason that I remember and it is because I love him and on some level which is unknown to me I know he reciprocates that feeling. _

_I want to share the little things with him, the baby's first kick, the first time hearing the heartbeat, him talking to my swollen belly telling it a story about some great Naval aviator. The little things are all that really matter, when you are 60 you aren't going to remember all the people that cut you off on the freeway or took to long at the grocery store. It is time to slow down, and settle down (man these hormones must be working I am feeling that nesting urge, I'll have to mention that to Harriet). I know what I am going to do and I am going to do it first thing tomorrow, well not first thing but definitely tomorrow time is running out and when the clock stops chiming I want something to show for it, for my life._


	10. I love you

**Author's Note: Okay this is going to be an interesting chapter. I am not quite sure where to go from where I left it I have several different options I am looking at at the moment. If you have any opinion or suggestions on the matter let me know. This is kind of a longer chapter, but it is a two-parter. I want to thank the later reviewers from Chapter 8: snugglebug, martini1988, and marineJAG.**

Snugglebug: I'm glad I have got you hooked, and a good writer knows how to keep the suspense for as long as humanly possible.

Mag59: I had to have Mac write again, you understand don't you? Thanks again for translating and sending me that song it was pretty and befitting. What is the name of the movie that "Memories" was from did it have Barbara in it?

GuitarVixen: Thanks for the support! Sometimes we lose faith in our writing especially if you write a chapter that doesn't quite live up to expectation. This one does though, I worked hard on this one and I can't imagine using a different scenario than this one.

Froggy0319: So did you write in it tonight? How about this, if you write in that journal I will write a chapter for one of my other fics of your choice. Deal? -Sigh- someday I would like to be able to picture myself being pregnant and having my husband talking to my belly, Ah well a girl can dream.

Tina Frank: You got part of your wish in this chapter and that will have to do for now, the next chapter(s) are going to be intense and are going to take some time to do with tact and serve them justice.

MarineJAG: Glad you liked the previous 2 chapters, and the mood is definitely changing, but fear is still an underlying emotion. I shy away from men, it isn't that I am afraid of them personally just have trust issues and fear rejection/abandonment. I feel the need for companionship, but fear it just as much (liked the analogy though). Your going to like this chapter, for sure!

**So read now, review please, and ENJOY!**

_I went to baby-sit little AJ and baby Jimmy today. It will be the last time for quite awhile before I will be able to hold them again. I haven't had any opportunity to speak my mind today; the fates keep conspiring, sending us in opposite directions with no map back to one another. I put AJ down to go to bed, and then put a CD into the stereo in Jimmy's room and listened to the soothing sounds of Enya, "Who can say if your love grows, As your heart chose? Only time…Who can say why your heart sighs…Who can say where the roads meet, That love might be in your heart", wafting into the room. I held him in my lap, against my chest, while I rocked him back and forth in the chair beside the crib. The sun was getting ready to set as I sat there feeling partially complete. Right there, right then it felt so right holding this baby tightly in my arms. I was so at peace in my mind, body, and soul I felt myself drifting off to sleep. I hadn't heard the door open downstairs, nor did I hear the quiet footsteps as someone climbed the stairs. I didn't feel his gaze on me until he emerged from the door frame, and walked towards me. I knew it was him without even opening my eyes. I could smell him, his cologne that makes me daydream. I always know when he is near. I kept my eyes closed. I am not entirely sure why, but it felt so nice to have the silent embrace in the room, to be close without actually being close, to say so many words without out uttering a single one. Even with my eyes shut, they were open, open in my mind and I could feel the small smile dancing upon his lips. We both sat there in silence as I rocked the child to a blissful slumber, while the sun was beginning to set upon this beautiful scene. As the moonlight began to drift its way in through the windows I could still feel his gaze on me and it brought a smile to my face. I think he knew that I was pretending to be asleep the entire time, even before I grinned, but he was playing along and still had not said a word. I could hear him stand up from the chair he was sitting in and walk closer towards me, he stood behind me undoubtedly looking down upon this scene before him. I would have given up my Corvette to know what he was thinking right then. A few moments later he took his hand and gently stroked the top of Jimmy's head brushing his hair to the side. He took that same hand and as he brought back to the top of the rocking chair he let it lightly stroke my arm, neck, and finally my cheek before pulling away. I felt stunned; if I had been standing I might have fallen down. He leaned his lips down to my ear and whispered ever so softly, "You look beautiful like this, you were made to be a mother." I nearly began to cry when he uttered those words, to 'made to be a mother'. I wish it were only that simple, once again life had to make itself apparent by throwing glitches into ordinarily easy situations. I can't pretend anymore, I can't pretend to be asleep. Just as I am about to look up at him, he comes to the side of the rocking chair and kneels beside me. He reached up and tucked a piece of my hair, that had fallen loose into my face, behind my ear and brought his fingers across my jawline and finally resting his hand atop mine. My hand was laying on top of Jimmy's gingerly rubbing his little fingers, when he reached a hold of mine and held it between mine and Jimmy's and caressed the back of my hand with his thumb. I opened my eyes for the first time since he had walked in, and glanced at our hands intertwined together. I turned my head toward him and caught him staring at our hands too. He must have felt my gaze upon him because he took that opportunity and glanced up at me, catching me awake. We just sat there together in the moonlight staring at one another for quite sometime before anyone dared to say anything, afraid of ruining the moment as we always seemed to do. "You really do look perfect sitting there with this baby in your arms, someday this will be yours, all yours.", he said to me breaking our silence. I can vaguely recall the CD still playing in the background, "Once, as my heart remembers All the stars were fallen embers Once, when the night seemed forever I was with you…Once, all the dreams were worth keeping I was with you Once when our hearts were singing I was with you". I found myself lost in his deep aquamarine eyes while listening to that song. Somewhere deep down inside I saw my life flashing before me, but it wasn't my past it was my future a glimpse at what my life would be like if I chose to utter those words to him, right then. I remember looking down at Jimmy and grinning widely again, knowing how much I wanted this, this all to be mine that it hurt. Before I lost my nerve, or the romantic moment in the air, I looked back into his eyes and he brought up his other hand to caress my cheek and with his thumb we brushed off a tear that had begun to fall. I hadn't realized that my eyes were tearing up, everything just felt so right, so perfect here in this moment. That's when it happened, out of nowhere I blurted it out, for the first time ever I said exactly what was on my mind. He looked into my eyes just as deeply as I was focused on him, "I love you, Harm". I had finally said it!_

* * *

_So what does Harm say? Did you notice that I have written his name....twice? I was thinking about doing the next chapter in Harm's POV, but I thought that might be sacriligous or something. It might take an entire new fic to cover his POV voice._


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